I Love Bad TV Movies

I love bad movies, and some of the worst movies are original television productions. There are many types of bad movies, but my favorite kind of bad movie may be about natural disasters or when animals attack. This love began when I was little, and my mother would only let me watch either the Bible movies or nature gone wrong movies.

When I saw Dogs, I was hooked. The same adorable dog kept "attacking" people, but really did not have his heart in it. Even as a kid, I found it incredibly funny that this dog died in earlier scenes and was still able to attack again.

In these movies, the audience is supposed to root for a scientist who knows exactly what is going on and when disaster is going to strike, but the darn city officials will not listen because they are money hungry jerks who are trying to attract tourists and will probably suffer at the inevitable conclusion of the film before the scientist literally stops nature with some impossible scheme like altering the magnetic charge of the Earth.

Before I used to rely on PAX as my sole source for bad movies. I think that PAX aired these movies because usually the disaster is the MacGuffin for the family drama. The scientist is usually part of a family that is reunited and made stronger by the disaster. Anyone who poses a danger to the family usually dies after being struck by lightning or stung by killer bees.

For some reason, CBS wants a part of this market and is giving PAX a run for its money. CBS does not appear terribly proud of this accomplishment because even though the network is willing to air commercials during primetime, CBS is not yet admitting their association to such gems on their website. CBS, if you wanted my attention, just give me a call. I think that I am the only one who is watching this stuff, and I already watch several shows on your network. It is not worth losing your reputation.

For instance, while watching the first episode of the Amazing Race, I noticed a commercial for (I'm not kidding) Spring Break Shark Attack, which will air on Sunday, March 20th. I turned to my mother completely astonished. Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine something so exploitive, and I am annoyed that it took me a week to think of something even more exploitive to compete with it.

So far, I have come up with 'Miami Summer: Tornado Watch.' I am a lawyer and will sue you if you even think about using this idea without my permission because it is brilliant! CBS can use the term "based on factual events" in the commercial because on May 12, 1997, there was a tornado in downtown Miami. Plus it did occur in the summer, sort of, and it is Miami, so people were probably hot and walking around in skimpy outfits. Combine that with the wind from a tornado and coeds running down the street, hair whipping around wildly because of the wind machine...ahem, I mean tornado! There can be dance sequences and guest appearances by random music artists in the neighborhood looking for an acting break. Quick! Call J.Lo! It writes itself, and best of all, no one dies. The scientists will stop the tornado with her music--maybe an excerpt from her duet with Marc Anthony.

At any rate, while writing my masterpiece 'Miami Summer: Tornado Watch' and viewing its CBS competitor, 'Shark Attack,' I will take a pause to watch another CBS movie: Locusts, starring Lucy Lawless and will air on Sunday, April 24th. I think the network must have some sort of deal with the artist formerly known as Xena: The Warrior Princess because she is also going to appear on CBS' Two and A Half Men on Monday, March 7th at 9:30 PM.

[I will probably watch Two and A Half Men for the first and probably last time because it is nice to see that Xena is working again, and no one expected her to appear in Shakespeare in the Park--unfair but true. We love you, Lucy! Meet with Robert Patrick, who is also going to be in a CBS movie on Elvis, which will air on May 8th. He will never get a fair shake from the acting world because he was in a huge hit, T2, and is now forced to do his best work in, well, the final two seasons of the X-Files, which I watched to the bitter end. Still Robert Patrick does it with class and is doing it for the family. A paycheck is a paycheck, and actors should be proud of even getting a job in this crazy business called show!]

At any rate, I am very excited to see what other movies CBS has waiting for me. I thought that Category 6: Day of Destruction was just a fluke, but now I know the truth. CBS loves me and is willing to do anything to prove it.